if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
