so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
