college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
