I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
