3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
