im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
is that a dick in a sweater?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
