I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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