if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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