He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
