Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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