I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
