the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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