someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
