I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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