turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
