I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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