I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
