never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
