I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
