Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
