I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
