This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have aggressive nipples.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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