The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
