I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
