I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
