i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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