I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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