you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
