shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
