Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
