Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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