I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why are your pants in the freezer?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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