just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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