Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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