apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
