it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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