i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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