Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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