i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
