so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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