be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
