At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
smell my finger.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
