I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
