I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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