You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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