Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I party with great urgency now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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