My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
