I should be sponsored by Trojan
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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