Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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