I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
