I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
is that a dick in a sweater?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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