I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
