I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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