I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
