you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
