thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.