You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
