I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
