If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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