i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
