Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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